"If Your Horses Could Talk...

... I wonder what they would say. Thought they are rested and ready, they've been going nowhere for days."

It's been such a long time since I trully wrote about what's happening with me an my life, here in this blog. Lately, it feels like it became more of an image outlet of my feelings and thoughts. I guess it's probably because sometimes words fail me, they become useless to express all the different shades of emotions and layers of situations one goes through. Words are just words, they are small.

But then again, something switches inside of my brain and there they are once more, trying to express humanity with graphic simbols... so strange.
Well, I'm not sure if I should be expressing this here, for anyone to find, since they are personal feelings, but what use is a blog if you can't even express yourself honestly and try to reach for others who may understand or feel the same.

Truth is I've been feeling kind of lost, although I know exactly where I am right now. It's been like this since the beginning of this year and I can pinpoint the probable reasons that caused these feelings. I've graduated. I finished college. And then found myself a job that seemed so very interesting and turned out it only helped me to see all the things I dislike about my profession in this country I live. Among so many other things I dislike about this place.

Don't get me wrong, I don't want to complain and name all the wrongs there are here in Brazil, in my eyes. It just so happen to also have everything I love about life. So it's really not fair to spit in the plate I've been eating.
But the fact is we all expect things from the future, things we want to acomplish and how we want to acomplish them. And what I see and wish and want can't be had in here.

That's something I didn't discover yesterday. I've known this. I've known for a long time... I guess almost ten years ago I already knew it in some level.
So I always made plans to travel, to go to this place and that place and where and when to settle down and have a family and why. But this all changed in a way or two with the passing of time.
I grew, my thoughts matured with me. And I can safely say my plans have evolved and are pretty much the same since 2007. All I had to do to put it in practice was to finish studing, save some money and buy myself a ticket.
Simple, isn't it?

Well, things happen. And they make your plans not work out exactly as you designed them to be. At the very end of last year, I lost the job that would secure the money part of my plan, putting the whole thing on hold until I could find another good job.
Well, I didn't. I found the job I mentioned ealier. The one that made me unhappy and didn't help much as long as saving money goes. So I quit.
I kept looking for other jobs, had very bad luck since no one was hiring no one because the whole world decided this was the ideal moment for a global crisis. Great timing, I'll tell you.

So I did as my professor instructed us on our graduation day, I made the best of the moment, using the new found freedom of no school and no work to try and do things I love and am good at, which clearly is the path to success. I planned to open an art studio, where I would sell my paintings and art work, give art classes, so on. I planned a lot, but I didn't have enough founds to start it all. I would have to wait a little. Do some translation jobs that might appear and then start it all.
Well, in the meantime I found myself another job. Selling hairbrushes and combs. Weird for me, I know. What the hell did I know about hair and selling things? But I needed the money, so there I went.
I did it for two months. That's how long I lasted working six days a week and weekends. For a lousy pay check.
Anyway, I figured to hell with this job, I'll find something else and keep working with my art and translations.

That's what I've been doing, or trying to do since August.
Trying because August was the worst month ever. Never have I hated 31 days so much in my life.
It started at August, 2nd. My grandma fell down. She broke her leg and came out of it extremely confused. She had trouble remembering things, but it was just ridiculous after the fall. She didn't remember a thing. So I spent the first week of the month in a horrible public hospital, waiting for her to go to surgery. And then recover from it.
She lived next door to us, but after the surgery, couldn't be left alone anymore. Also, she didn't do anything by herself anymore. So the next week was spent taking care of her, answering her calls in the middle of the night, helping her eat, and change and shower. All the while seeing the state she was in.
Finally, we decided to put her in a retirement home, a place where she would be better treated and tended. Which was a great decision in the end, no matter how hard it was for us to accept it and part with grandma.
She has been there for 3 weeks now and I've never seen her better in all my life, so happy and excited. Of course, she doesn't really know who we are anymore, but it doesn't matter. I'm glad she is good now.

You see, there has been a lot going on. I wish it stopped here. For your sake, reading this long, whinning post, and for mine, who had to go through it. But it doesn't.
Somewhere along August, I also had a terrible disagreement with my "boyfriend", I'm not sure I could even call him that. But I had enough of the whole, we don't care enough for each other, but we're still together thing. And ended things.
As I didn't really care enough about him, I didn't suffer much, but it stressed me out a bit. However, these things happen, but there was more to come.

As I wrote a few posts back, a dear cousin of mine passed away. She lived in New Jersey and was at home watching tv when she had a stroke. She stayed a week or so in the hospital, but she didn't make it. She passed away four days ago. Yesterday I went to her funeral. It was so sad.
You see, she was such a nice person, she had many friends and everyone loved her. She always liked dolls, as I've told you, and when I was little she would bring me Barbies and little clothes. And she had an amazing collection of Barbie dolls, I loved going to her house and seeing them. She was nice and friendly to everybody. And as we often see, it's the good people who leave us first. The bad ones always seem to last longer. It's such a shame.

So, it hasn't been the most easy of times for me. And the reason why I'm writing this post is to put it all out of me, of course. But also because after everything that has happened this year and thinking of all the things I want for myself in life, I still feel a bit lost.

Things I do know for sure is that my life is out there. I want to go to Canada. I feel it's something I just have to do. If things work out and I like it there, I might even stay for good.
But I have to find a way to go first. I won't be all crazy and buy a plane ticket, grab a couple hundreds and fly off to destiny. I'd like to do things right.
Plan everything out first, find a job as an au pair with a good family, make friends and feel welcome. I want to make friendships that will last me for life, not just moments.
I want to keep studing and someday, go back to my profession as a designer, because interior design is something that I do love, even if it's almost impossible to work with it now. I don't care if I'll do a project a year and suport myself with teaching or other things. As long as I can design something from time to time.

But first, I have to save some money, find a family in Canada that is normal and friendly and wants me as well. And although it sounds easy, those are not things that come easy. At all. Maybe I just need some hope. Maybe some luck. Or maybe just a little support. Who knows?

Anyway, it's hard to wish for things you cannot have, at least for the moment. Don't you agree?