For I Know Not What I Do

Sometimes, I talk to you in my mind.
We have these long conversations about all the things that I wish I could be telling you now.
I let you know how this year has been so hard on me, and how I want to do things and travel. In my head I tell you everything.
I also like to tease you a lot, during our imaginary conversations. Because you know how I like to tease you. And then hear that laughter I adore so much.
But the truth is that I miss you.
And I miss seeing you and talking to you.
And sometimes I think that I may never really do any of those things again.
I also think of you when I feel lonely.
And I never know why my thoughts would turn in your direction.
I know I like to fool myself, to pretend things were erased from my mind so I don't have to remember them and feel sad about things that are out of my control.
But tonight, as I was talking to the version of you that lives inside my head, and teasing you and joking, laughing and having fun, I remembered a conversation we had, a real one that is, where we discussed feelings and possibilities.
And then I started to cry.
Because I really, never think about that day and I had almost forgotten it.
I was trying to fool myself and I almost did it.
So I just had to come here and tell you all this.
Even though I know you'll never read it.
And I'll never really tell you how I feel, even if we meet again.
Because that's just who I am, and what I do.
Anyway... I just wanted you to know that I miss you a lot.
I really do.